Okay all...I'm alive..I'm decompressed and i've arrived in San Diego! I've just just endured a12hour night greyhound... which wasn't as crazy ass in which everyone goe about...sure there were a few weirdo's.. but I'm probably met on the fucking megabus! We drove through LA and saw the 'hollywood sign' but at 6am sat next to a smelly chinese who did share her blanket with me).. it's didn't give me that Armstrong and hammer ''WWWOOWWW' factor! but hey.
So I guess your all moist your work swivel chairs.. awaiting to hear about my adventures of Burning Man....well hope you have a cup of shitty office coffee in your hands... as this is going to be a long one!!!!
Just before I'm about beginning... you need to know, that since leaving Black Rock City... I have changed so so much as a person.. Burning Man will change your perspective on life forever, both spiritually and mentally (Don't worry Ross I didn't become a lesser although I did have a crazy sexual dance with a hot chick..just a dance!!) .. And I will probably now spend the rest of my life... scrapping all the money I can get.... burn as much as possible..coz that shit.. is what life is worth living for!!
Day 1 -Tuesday
So after leaving the green tortoise (the most amazing hostel ever - dude's you can smoke weed and fags in the massive ballroom till 6am..everyday!!! free food and free beer!! it's like an adult's fucking Disneyland on coupon day!!) just checked out of the grubbyest crack whore hostel at union Square.. where I'd been for two days chlling before the Burn. Dude serioulsy... this place was hilarious, all the smack heads who run it live and sleep in the common room...and one lives under the stairs on a mattress!! not even joking every time I went in they were either smoking shit loadsa weed laced with crack watching tits on TV or some random cook show where this fat american guy..goes around america doing all the crazy "eat a 20lb burrito and get it for free) ..or they would be shouting at each other spitting orginal quotes like "fucking douche man..your fucking narling me out!!"
So was quite happy to..wake up early and leave early (checking in on my friend Kirsty who was STILL in Labour to a Mr Seth James Whyman) and head on down to the bus station to find my fellow bum chums... to get on the infamous green tortoise buses!! whoop whoop... these bad boys of customised that special people from the Green tortoise, gutt out the whole bus and rearrange it so there's mattresses on the back... side sofa's...and cool boxes under the middle section for all the food and beer!!
Bumped into a lovely aussie called Ross... who was blantly going to burning man as he look jut a scared as me...with an enormous backpack and a fucking chinese straw hat... you can spot a burner a mile away!!
So we both get to the station and you can see lining the downtown streets of San fran a load crazy people wear fucking all in one cowprint outfits... Big fuffy neon boots and shit loadsa bikes... taaaa daa already started!
While packing the bus up with all our crazy shit.. I came across.. a fucking loud, still drunk from the night before Aussie called 'Mitch' (stereotype I think so) thought he's loadsa fun... so as we were the loud other fuckers there we hit it off instantly!!
As soon as the ignition was started MItch whipped out a can of somecrazy ass monster 8.5% fruit punch in a can...and it all went down hill from then!!
Of course Before I got on the bus.. Due to my sexy water infection that I gained.. from partying to much in Cardiff...and London.. I drank a litre of water before I got on the bus!!! Only to be told as we set off for our 8hour bus journey.. that you can't use the bog on the way there!! EEEKKkkkkkkk so after drinking mitch's can of goodness... a litre of water...and a incredibly sexy drealock dude called trent offering shots of tequilla at 10am in the morning before we hit the highway... My bladder was beyond bursting...but I felt like I could have een seeping urine from my ears I was that full!!.. so I discreetly beged the bus driver (se was cool as fuck) about my delicate situtaion... and she was like... cool no worries we'll be stopping in an hour if you could hold on!
Amazingly from this point.. we had already concoxed a small drinking group.. 'Mitch' the loud drunk, ADHD Aussie, 'Sanchez' an over excited teenager but actually 21 from Canada who has the cutest puppy dog face ever, Sam, a dude from London with bleach blonde hair and a caffine inhaler, fire poi 'Trent' and his sexy dreads and 'Andrez' the dude from sweden..who was literally offering just shots of Rum and coming out with amazing one liners about how shit our cultural background are compared to his!!
So 20mins into that 1hr journey.. I was pacing the aisle and now the urine was secreting from my eyeballs.... So I ran to Cass our sexy bus drier.. and begged her that if I could pull all the bags and guitars from the toilet.... can use it as place.. to cop swat on a Vitamin D Smart water bottle... and piss for gold nto it!!Being Green Tortoise.. she was like fuck Yes as long as you don't piss in the toilet!! ha ha ha
Amazing after 1.20mins into our journey.. my new found friends.. all bonded... by desparately throwing bags out of the toilet and seeing me, first impression of Gwen Ash, hiding in half full toilet pissing into a bottle...
Not being funny.. best piss I ever had..one of those stoner pee's where it's last a good 10 mins straight..and was slightly worried that I might need another bottle!
As soon as was done...opened the door... as we were pulling into the services!! Absolute Can!
This was the stop to which we stocked up on all our alcohol for the next 6 days... fuck me so cheap $35 and I got a create of Pebis Blue ribbon (beauty) and 2litre barrel of gin and shit load of tonic... and of coursestrange kebab/burrito flaouverd americanised bags of dorritos..for breakfast dinner lunch! So Back on the bus...and we pretty much drank continuous for the next 6 hours all my create of beer and all of Mitch's mcreate of beer..Trent's Tequilla, Mile's Weed at truck stops and Sanchez Rum... absolutely shit faced...and we hadn't even hit the playa.. when we joned the long queue to get into Black Rock City..while in ancipation of waiting turned the bus into a bunch of wild hooligans screaming ACDC lyrics at each other..sanchez who was on the jack... spews ABSOLUTE CHUNKS!! Hilarious! there's always one... and it's always involves Jack daniels and a 3 Meat pattie stacked burger when even looking at it.. give you blood clot!!!
This has all happened and I havn't even picked up my tickets yet.....!
So finally we get to will call.. grab the most sexual ticket you have ever seen... ran back on the bus....and cruised across the playa.. and once we saw the Burning Man.. randomly we all became peechless... and totally overwhelmed like kids at sea world!
We reach camp it's now 12am pitch black.. (coz baby there's no lights or lecci in the middle of the Nevada Desert) so putting up a tent was fucking funny... especially when you have a gobby oz..shouting at me and kirrly to whack up his tent... (Mitch you know I love your male chavanism)
As soon as we were done... we poured a much alcohol as we could into our flask.. and fucking bum walked like a mofo into the playa.............
Now this is the part of blog.. where I'm gonna stop... why you say?.. becauses there are no words to describe what I saw... what happened.. most burrners say "if the end of the world was nigh... this what the final party would be"
So I am going to do my best which pictures (but again pictures do not do it justice coz It's like a crazy neon trip... stripped over 5 miles with pumping bass and fucking Fire)
Right I can't tell you what I did on day 1 or day 5 ... coz it all blends into one big pile of amazingness.. so coz i know this is an epic blog and your probably on your second shitty nescafe reading this far... I am doing to list of the things I can remember (that's a struggle consider most nights I was fucked) that you can soak up...and think..fuck yes I'm going to Burning man with Gwen next year!!!
So one of the first theme camp we went towas called Malmart.. and it's a 5 story scafolding building pumping out fucking electro music... we had to queue to get in.... coz everyonwe deserved a good spanking before your allowed in.. so before you knew it... i was moist with anticipation.. 2 guys pulled me up... whipped my kegs down and bent me over...(I'm tell you it the best way to meet friends is by showing them your moneybox on the first night!!!) at first they were gentle giving it a gentle stroke then BAM a great crack on your ass and the whole crowd cheers... as you bob up the 40degree slopes made rom MDF to pumping palace! dude out of all the made sructures in burning man.... Malmart was the most rickety..and i'm sure people mut have been airlifted from that place!!
There's was also a crazy 11ft rope climbing fame bridge thing... that 5 pissed foreigners thought we could do...and got all the way to the end and mitch jumped his bad self off and we all literally fell the fuck off which was ....and ilariuos to see everyone of us and a bunch of crazy burners rolling around on floor the being cheered.. woke up the next morning with crazy ropeburn on my arms and shoulders!! ..which is kinda nothing coz at the end of the week me and scarlet looked like rape victims after all the crazy shit you climb and fall off.. surprsingly Scarlet won rape victim of the year...finally meet someone who bruises more than me!!! haha
They had a massive roller disco on the playa... so on one of my sober nights (oh totally forgot to tell you I got a massive kidney infection 3 days in ended up in the medical centre which inself is crazy looks which the crazy bee tent thing in the xfile movie - all bright white which material tubes pumping air into the dome tents) they were fucking awesome and unlike my shitty dr back home (who told me the NHS wasn't there to fund me drugs for travelling!!) they gave me 7 days of the most strongest antibiotics going all for free...and my sweet pharmacy friend Kirlee told me I can drink on them as long as I drink excess aamount of water... dudes.. I have never drunk so much gatorade became a liquid form of that shit!!!
Any ho back to the skating...YYeeaaahh was so fun..me and mike chose the 4 wheels... coz blading is cheating... if you wanna get down with your bad self 70's funk. style... you need those 4 wheels.. at first we were fucking shit!!!...but after a good half hour of holding on for dear life... we were whipping out the skills.. john travolta stylie hell yeah sister cruising roundthe bends.. pumping those feet little bow wow stylie ! so a massive thank ou to Mike that night... coz altho we were sober...I Think I appreciated the night more!!!
Also will not forget about our little friend on the art car (Art car guys are basically massive truck viechles turned into art... that you jump on and party on as they take across the playa..please see all pictures.. coz you would believe me if I described them)... oh yeah.. the dude... now I have met some Gurners in my time... "kat and her classsic lips" "that guy in bestival that sarah filmed" then gay guy in big weekend that me and dave started because his mouth was making all kinda of crazy smiley shapes"...but nothing beats this guy... I couldn't see anything but pupils on this guy...and he jumped on and started talk to e and the beautiful mike.... he miterally would pull us close and shout seriously at us.."dudes..I've done DMT like 200 times..I'm not shitting you 300 times man DMT WWhoo" DMT for all those who don't know .....it is a hilusinagentic drug that you do with a tribe shamen in the fucking rainforest of south american.. where you black out for 30min.. and literally believe you are a partical in space.. No shit this guy as fucked.. he also explain about how he one the welders for Nexus (Nexus is one of many of the crazy dance tents where you climb up shit like metal chains, rope ladders to get to the higher platform and in the centre of the massive ball of flames.. again see picture!!!) so then progress to shout again...with one hand in the air..and the other on my knee...screaming "40 welders man....seriously dude 40 WELDERs!!" about 50times the most fucked up person I'v ever but strangly the sweetest ...he had little raccon tattoo's on his wrist..and says he him and his racoon do DMT together..beautiful!!
Saw CRYSTAL METHOD on in the "tower of Babal" another crazy dance tent open air rave... where you just face a fuck of massive LCD SCREEN with visuals a animated dancing burning man...dance like 4 hours that night... (the DJ before them was whipping out some phat hiphop...house tunes) we all whipped out some epic dance moves... kat on your behalf I whipped out the fireman!!..oh an we cleared the floor for mitch to do the worm.. where he literally army crawl ed on the dusty playa like a centipede on crack... good effort mitch!!
Didn't realised til I left that we were dancing to a bit of Seb fontaine in the Ample temple (another massive dance tent with crazy trapeze artist and more fire.
MegaVolt - Fucking legend, just watch this video.. I can't explain it... but dude can he work the electricity!!
I went to the canadian something beaver tent... where they having a "beaver eating competition" oh yes people.... We when in a wee bit later when it started... so they had naturally progressed to fucking each ...only saw one couple eating pussy... but yes... Burning man.. is all about freedom of expression.. so you become very excepting of seeing people having shit loads of sex around you.. I'd say 30% of all people in burning man are completely butt naked all the time... and you know what... it's not sexual.. it's really fucking beautiful.. you could be a size 18 with cellulite all they way down to your toes and you still one sexy beings..beauty is celebrated in all shapes and forms... but still novelty of seeing a guy with his cock out on a bke... dude always makes me smile (it's like a separate money bag hanging off the bike seat) Also BIG love all those HOT sexy Guys who walked around the playa just playing an electric guitar ...rocking out with their Cock out.. thank you for making my fantasy a reality.
And I guess you wanna know if I did?.. fuck yes... I didn't get my ginny out... but I definitely rode around on sanchez's gold bike.. with my tits out andust a cowboy hat and boots!!!..It's such the norm..all the girls have their tit's out...it'sjust a desert full of boobs... as Trent says.. you learn the skill to actually look at a girls face.. instead of their tits at Burning Man..a skill I think all men should come to the playa and learn. I also did a topless yoga outside the temple with about 100 people at sunset..with a dust storm..very spirtual and fucked up amazing (i'll explain the temple later!!)
Thunderdome- This was one of my favourite places on the playa... done by the death guild...and it is a exact replicate of the Thunderdome..in mad max! replaceing the blades...with foam dualers... the fact you can climb on the dome... and crowd mentality of booing and cheering.. just pumped up the adrenadline of the playa...with sexy gothed up girls and boys...making awesome comments on the contenders, my favourite was...' I got my bet of asian chick they fucking small and feisty motherfuckers'...the video's explains all...
After falling off a art car...found a 5 way mirror art nstallation and had a piss in it.. never before from 5 different angles have i seen myself piss before.. have you?? came out and into emerged from the darkness
f the desert.. to find a fucking bbq going on!! amazing and just what you need at 5am!! this is the fucked up shit about burning man... shit just appears out of nowhere and you just have to live it right there.. it's called MOOP - matter out of place seriously one day there will be 40 white manakins in he middle of the playa... next night... it's gone and there two telephone booths where you can 'talk to god'. So I hope this is giving you how fucked up and amazing this place is.. And the stuff I have mentioned here is just a small grain of sand.
The days are spent walking around the playa getting up to all kinda of crazy shit... like I went to Costco (if anyone has read 80 dates around the world you know what I'm talking about - and no they are not together anymore!) to find my soul mate... you go there fill out form get interviewed come back the next day and they have your soul mate and there camp... so i went to find mine.. his name was sparky....and his form was uper hot...defo my kinda man.. but when I finally got to his camp fucking 2.30 on detroit (that's the address miles frommy camp) he had apparently just left on a green fluffy motorise scooter.. with a large bag of recycling shit...screaming about the importanc of recycling to people... so i left my camp number on one of my dirty playing cards (that was my trade.. I gave people naughty playing cards for booze..food..fucking anything really...went down a treat!!!) never did find my soul mate, but feel I made a thousand that week!!
Also me and the sexy scarlet I havn't mentioned yet.. but who I fucking olve this girl is a fucking inspiration... and party girl.. went to go to the Human Carcass car Wash... think cool lets get semi naked a let lots of people wash us in some crazy foam stuff... but actually when we got there, there was a whole load of butt naked people with just water spray bottles.. in circles of 5 tell each other what they are comfortable with being wahed... no thank you... not my bag.. but most their looked like they were having a good time.. but this is when we stumbled upon the lemon drop camp!!! DUDE I LOVE THESE GUYS.. they called us over gave us shots of vodka which you swallowed down with a sugary lemon..offered fucking weed brownies.. and were he most dirty speaking old men I ever met...andgot on with them like a house of fire... They were like uck it man...don't go to that dirty shit.."stay here drink vodka and get a sexual foot massage from us boys... we also had a tub out the back if you wanna wash your hair"... NO SHIT PEOPLE.. these dude rigged up a shower and massive bath tub at the back of there van.. margie and kirrlee went for a wash...And we sat with them for like two hours drinking vodka.. have my feet massage with oil and moisturiser (lets face fact with my stinking feet these guys desereve a medal or at least a blow job..or a dirty playing card!! - )..while I drew them my cartoon penis's on their table!! utter bliss... BIG LOVE TO THE SAUSAGE CAMP!!
Also picked up a sweet ice cream on the playa...literally a massive icecream tent... just simply filling up you water container with ice cream...generous people..went to centre camp for a coffee and a fashion show...always good shit going on there... Also got my ass branded like a horse... had to bend over the white ranch fence...pulled my pants down, bend over... and bam... got two ink poker sticks on my Hiney... to which you have to scream like your getting burnt motherfucker.. turn around bend over and show the guys at the camp...to get you ass rated and cheered!!! ha ha fucking love that shit... there was a little crack whore tent that was a constant party...bascially he day you can just walk around get involved with whatever their theme camp...and all fucking give you free shots and alcohol!!!
Right as explained I can't name all of the stuff coz I was their for like 6 fucking days... and it's all was like one big dunken sleep deprived blurbbed! but I am now going to tell you about two fucking important parts that makes Burning Man.
The Burning Man itself...
This is in the centre of Black Rock City and the theme camps surround it for 5 miles in a semicircle... you can actually climb to the top of the man see the whole city... it's fucking outsiding..
Now Saturday is the day the Burning Man Burns... THIS IS THE DAY THAT EVERYBODY IS LITERALLY JIZZIN THEIR PANTS OFF FOR. And my god.. I will never experience anything like this in my entire life...So all 57.000 people who cometo urning man... all surround the man in a circle... on he inner circle are fucking about 1000 fire dances... poi, sticks hoola hoops...danicng to the drum people... who fucking man this amazing sound...kodo drummers.. brass players..then behind the ring of burners.. are all the fucking art cars...I'd say there was literally about 500 of the these art cars...pumping out fucking hardcore dub step, house..partying on non stop!!
You all sit... bosy neon painted to the max... drenched in fucking glow sticks... waiting for the burn... and it starts.... the best fucking firework display you have ever seen kicks off for about 20 minutes.. the aussie I know says it kicks syndey firework display up the ass... then BBBBOOOOOMMMM a mushroom cloud of flames just explodes and everybody jumps up.... screaming... reeeping... jumping...kissing people..going fucking nutts as you literally watch this motherfucker burn!!! YYYYEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW... and something I didn't expect to happen after 20mins of hardcore fire in the style of the fucking Twin Towers... the structure collapses straight down... just like whenthey blow up those fucking power station towers, everybody just fucking goes apeshit and runs towards the ruins... still hoooping dancing going nuts!!! It was the MOst Intense thing I've ever done and seen!! I'll see if I can get you a video.. cause my words don't describe it!!
Okay the temple...this shit is what has changed my life. 12 oclock down from the Burning Man about half a mile. is the temple. This year it was a fauck off biggest wooden structure where everydoby goes down, and if you've ever lost anyone special you go down and write your shit on the temple. By the end of the week it is adorned with memorials to eople loved ones.. skateboards pin to it.. t-shirts... someone put up a massive picture of Alexander Mcqueen with the most beautiful peom I have ever read.. Some people like my friend Tom who became an awesom fucking mate to me a burning man...just wrote shit they needed burying (or burnt in this case) like insecurites.. past relationship... things that need to be put to bed.
When you walk round the temple it is silent.. maybe you can here the medication of the bell sounds... ut you can hear every fucking person crying... man women dog.. this wave of emotion just sweeps overs you..and lets out everything you need to cry about.. or cry at other people sorrow.. It's the most spiritual place I have ever been to... One Morning I crazy woke up at 5.30 after a disco nap... and thought I'd walk down the playa..as I walked I saw hundreds of people dressed in white walking towards the temple.. I followed.. hundreds of people all sat outside the temple meditating forming pray circles (not of any religion just for the power of prayer to human spirit - which is what Burning man is in a nutshell) I at down and made friends with this awesome Bar guy.. and we got invited to join a prayer circle... We Meditated while a guy came and burnt sage and whafted with and eagle feather... to cleanse my soul... then the guys who was leading the prayer... handed everyone of us his dead brothers ashes. Me nad the bar guy just looked at each smiled and fell tears.. Deep man fucking deep..
So the Sunday... when the man has fallen... it s now the temples turn to burn.. Again 57,000 circle the temple in utter most silence... there is no explosion..just the lighting of the fire.. It was fucking spiritual.. no peaks you just look up t the sky and see the massive amounts of glowing ashers blow over you... knowing that all that shit you've been holding inside has gone (I'm actually crying when I'm writing this) there structure was so big there were smoke vortexs... going up into the sky..swirling blows of fire picking up the dust... It again was one of the most amazing things I have ever experience!!
Can so I feel I should end on that note..Showing you all that.. no musuem is ever going to compare to the art that i've seen at burning man.. and I fianlly have my faith put back in Humans beings...No Longer will i work for a corporation.. I am going to do everything I can in my power to help people.... coz that's what burning man teaches you, you don't need hair straighters..be size fucking zero to be pretty, you don't need money... coz we all survived for a week trading and sharing.. you don't have to work fucking 45 hours a week to pay for your plush apartment coz you can live in the fucking desert in paradise! This is why I have changed and this is why I will be back for Burn the some sometime in the future... and i think I can only be with someone who burns with me
So I will leave you with an awesome quote that was on the temple that Trent passed to me...
"What is to give light must endure burning"
Thank you to Mitch, Scarlet, Trent, Sam, Tom, Sanchez, Chris...and his cock, Kirrlee, Margie, Jolie who knows everyone ,Ian from cardiff who works in Llanishen, Mike who tried to keep me sober..but failed, Ross and his tux, Chaz who cleans 3 times a day, the hawiian guys, and all those on the on the green tortoise tour.... here's to burning man 2010 6.30 Cairo baby!!! wooo hooo